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Do you know what I hate most about Asian culture? The guilt. It's like I'm constantly feeling guilty about something. But I haven't done anything worth feeling guilty about. Are Asians more inclined to feel guilty about absolutely everything compared with people from other countries? Whenever my relatives suddenly decide to show up for an unexpected visit, I feel guilty because I'm just not in the mood to entertain them. I'm a lousy host. I don't know how to serve guests. I get all awkward and stupid; I forget to offer them a drink or get some snacks ready, and I totally suck at small talk. My unfortunate guests just fail to understand this about me. Especially my relatives. You see, I come from a very community-oriented culture. Everything is done en masse. No exceptions. And they make me feel guilty about not wanting to participate.
To be honest, I hate guests. I behave myself when I'm out somewhere with friends or relatives, but I don't like playing the host. I think it's because my home is my private space, where I can just do whatever I want without having to worry about looking vibrant and happy and complacent all the time. And, yes, I feel guilty about this, too. As if I'm some kind of fraud or hypocrite. Which I guess, in a way, I am. But doesn't everybody have more than one side to them? Doesn't everybody have a special place where they just want be left alone? So, why do I feel guilty about it?
My friends make me feel guilty, too. There's this mindset here that you have to work, work, work to get respect and be happy in life. In school, it's study, study, study. Then you graduate, and you're expected to continue your education and study, study, study some more. Then, you get a job--preferably a doctor, lawyer or an engineer--and you work, work, work until you can afford to get married and raise a family. Then you get married, have a few kids, then die. Pretty depressing. But I decided I wasn't going to go to college right away. It's been about four months since I graduated. And yet, I'm watching my friends leaving one by one. I mean, can't they just relax? Take it easy for a while? And they're so bewildered that I would even consider waiting around for a whole four months before going to college. Every time I see any of my former classmates, the conversation goes something like this:
"What are you doing now? Are you studying? No?! [an expression of shock on their faces-->O.O] Really, why not? Oh, I see. You're taking a break, so nice...your parents let you relax for a few months. I wish I could do that...but of course, I can't. Oh, me? I've applied to so-and-so university/college. Yeah, I'm leaving next week. Okay, see you. Bye."
Every time, without fail. Why do I feel guilty for not conforming? Why do I feel guilty for taking the 'road less travelled'? Taking a breather before I recommit myself to the drudgery and exhaustion of school, exams and deadlines isn't so bad, is it?
Or maybe it's just me in particular--not Asians in general--who's more inclined to feel guilty about absolutely everything. Whatever. I'm sorry if I've bored you with my little fit of teen angst. This is just a head-clearing session. Oh, great, there goes that guilty feeling again.
I'm working on it.
Anyway, that's actually all I have to say. Like I said, this is just a head-clearing session. So, I'll see you next time. Til then, selamat tinggal!
Yours,
Figgy, Guilty 'til Proven Innocent
P/S: The word guilt(y) appears 15 times in this post. Just in case you were wondering.
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