I'm innocent, I tell you!

Dear Reader,












Do you know what I hate most about Asian culture? The guilt. It's like I'm constantly feeling guilty about something. But I haven't done anything worth feeling guilty about. Are Asians more inclined to feel guilty about absolutely everything compared with people from other countries? Whenever my relatives suddenly decide to show up for an unexpected visit, I feel guilty because I'm just not in the mood to entertain them. I'm a lousy host. I don't know how to serve guests. I get all awkward and stupid; I forget to offer them a drink or get some snacks ready, and I totally suck at small talk. My unfortunate guests just fail to understand this about me. Especially my relatives. You see, I come from a very community-oriented culture. Everything is done en masse. No exceptions. And they make me feel guilty about not wanting to participate.





To be honest, I hate guests. I behave myself when I'm out somewhere with friends or relatives, but I don't like playing the host. I think it's because my home is my private space, where I can just do whatever I want without having to worry about looking vibrant and happy and complacent all the time. And, yes, I feel guilty about this, too. As if I'm some kind of fraud or hypocrite. Which I guess, in a way, I am. But doesn't everybody have more than one side to them? Doesn't everybody have a special place where they just want be left alone? So, why do I feel guilty about it?





My friends make me feel guilty, too. There's this mindset here that you have to work, work, work to get respect and be happy in life. In school, it's study, study, study. Then you graduate, and you're expected to continue your education and study, study, study some more. Then, you get a job--preferably a doctor, lawyer or an engineer--and you work, work, work until you can afford to get married and raise a family. Then you get married, have a few kids, then die. Pretty depressing. But I decided I wasn't going to go to college right away. It's been about four months since I graduated. And yet, I'm watching my friends leaving one by one. I mean, can't they just relax? Take it easy for a while? And they're so bewildered that I would even consider waiting around for a whole four months before going to college. Every time I see any of my former classmates, the conversation goes something like this:



"What are you doing now? Are you studying? No?! [an expression of shock on their faces-->O.O] Really, why not? Oh, I see. You're taking a break, so nice...your parents let you relax for a few months. I wish I could do that...but of course, I can't. Oh, me? I've applied to so-and-so university/college. Yeah, I'm leaving next week. Okay, see you. Bye."



Every time, without fail. Why do I feel guilty for not conforming? Why do I feel guilty for taking the 'road less travelled'? Taking a breather before I recommit myself to the drudgery and exhaustion of school, exams and deadlines isn't so bad, is it?



Or maybe it's just me in particular--not Asians in general--who's more inclined to feel guilty about absolutely everything. Whatever. I'm sorry if I've bored you with my little fit of teen angst. This is just a head-clearing session. Oh, great, there goes that guilty feeling again.



I'm working on it.





Anyway, that's actually all I have to say. Like I said, this is just a head-clearing session. So, I'll see you next time. Til then, selamat tinggal!













Yours,








Figgy, Guilty 'til Proven Innocent

P/S: The word guilt(y) appears 15 times in this post. Just in case you were wondering.

It's raining, it's pouring...

Dear Reader,





There was this huge storm last night. I could tell that there was something building up in the atmosphere because the weather had been so hot and humid the whole afternoon. In Malaysia, if it's really, really hot--everyday is hot here, so when I say really, really hot, I mean excessively, extremely, stiflingly, almost unbearably hot--it's probably because there's a huge monster storm heading our way.


Anyway, I was in the car, on my way to...somewhere. My sister (Bekah) was driving, and when we were about six minutes away from home, the rain started. Drizzly at first, but then it escalated. A lot. Soon, it was hard to see the road with all the rain belting on the windshield in slanting, wind-driven lines. I looked out the window, and I could see the rain drops, falling at an impossibly acute angle, and the tree branches--and the very trees that the branches belonged to--beside the road were bending with the sheer force of the wind.


Bekah kept cringing and trying to cover her ears with her free hand--while still attempting to drive in a reasonably straight line--every time the thunder rumbled across the black sky. Which happened about once every four minutes. Once, after an unusually loud thunder-clap, Bekah took both her hands off the steering wheel and pressed them against her ears. She even squinted her eyes a little. It was only for a split second, but it got me nervous all the same. I scolded her. Told her it was silly to be afraid of thunder. To which she replied, "Hey, you're afraid of lizards, I'm afraid of thunder. Okay?"


Well, obviously, there was nothing I could say in reply to such a cutting retort as that. After a moment of consideration, I told her that it was, in fact, silly to be afraid of thunder because thunder is just the sound that lightning makes. You just see the lightning first, then hear the thunder later, because light travels faster than sound. I said, if she should be afraid of something, she should be afraid of lightning, because lightning could strike you and kill you. Whereas thunder was perfectly harmless.


She didn't seem too appreciative of me divulging this information. But, at least she didn't let go of the steering wheel anymore.


I don't know why people are afraid of thunder. I love it. The phrase rolling thunder perfectly describes the kind of thunder we experienced last night. I could feel the car floor rumbling and vibrating under my feet with every boom of thunder that rolled out of the sky and onto us. I could even feel the noise of it drumming through me, like a second heartbeat.


After Bekah dropped me off at...the place, during the drive home, she said she saw some tree branches falling, and even some trees being uprooted by the wind. I'm glad I wasn't there for that. If the trees toppling around us hadn't managed to freak me out, Bekah's freaking out about the trees would. Anyway, I got to see the destruction myself when Bekah picked me up. By that time, it wasn't raining anymore, so I got a clear view of the havoc the storm had wreaked. There were at least two uprooted trees--the dirt still clinging in clumps around the upended roots--and innumerable branches and twigs and stuff littering the side of the road.


I love the rain. But I do feel sorry for those trees. And whoever it is who has the job of cleaning all of them up off the roads. Anyway, as I was watching the rain pounding against the car window, the perfect rain-song came on. It's called 'Worry About You' by Ivy. I don't know about you, my dear reader, but in my opinion, it was the ideal soundtrack for a rainy day. Have a listen, it'll make you wish it was raining outside.









Well, I suppose that's it for me. Til the next post, dear reader. Signing off...







Yours,



Figgy the Deluge Devotee

♪ Jat da da-da... ♫

Dear Reader,






Do you know what I'm gonna write about today? As per the title of this post, I am going to share about yet another song, called 'Jat Da Da Da' by Dia Fadila. Now, as I understand, this is not the original version of the song. I think it was sung in Thai (Kon-Jai Ngai by Ice Srunyou) first, and then in Korean ('Zza La La' by As One), but I could be mistaken about the order. Well, it doesn't matter either way; I can't understand Thai or Korean, so you'll just have to be happy with this version, my dearest reader.


Enjoy!


















Dia Fadila
'Jat Da Da Da'


Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
[repeat]


Entah mengapa debar di jiwa
Terasa bagai ku telah jatuh cinta
Semakin lama, semakin mula rasa rindu
Kini ku sedar ku tak berdaya
Memendam rasa yang sekian lama
Menginginkanmu, mencintaimu
Oh, sayangku...


[chorus]
Jangan cuba mencipta harapan
Jika kau hanya mainkan perasaan
Yang sekian lamanya dambakan kehadiranmu
Jangan biar ku mencintaimu
Melainkan kau merasa begitu
Kerna hati ini tak bisa diluka lagi


Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
[repeat]

Katakan saja, yang sejujurnya
Ada kau rasa apa yang ku rasa?
Kau 'kan setia, mengharap sinar bahagia


[chorus]


Jat da da-da da...


[chorus]


Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
[repeat]















English translation:
Dia Fadila
'Jat Da Da Da'


Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
[repeat]



I don't know why, this thrashing in my soul
It feels like I've fallen in love
The more time passes, the more I start to miss you
Now I realize I am incapable
Of suppressing my feelings that have, for a long time
Been wanting you, been loving you
Oh, my love...


[chorus]
Don't try to create hope
If you're only playing with my feelings
That have been longing for your presence all this while
Don't permit me to love you
Unless you feel the same way
Because this heart can't be hurt again



Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
[repeat]


Just say it, honestly
Do you feel what I feel?
That you will be faithful, hoping for rays of happiness


[chorus]


Jat da da-da da...


[chorus]



Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
Jat da da da
Jat da-da da da (whoo~)
[repeat]















Alright, I know what you're thinking, my dear reader. The English version is so much longer compared to the Malaysian one. I paraphrased a little. Or a lot. You see, if I had translated it word-for-word, it would sound like a bunch of nonsense. I tweaked the English meaning a bit, to suit the mood and feel of the song.


For example, I translated the line 'Jangan biar ku mencintaimu' to 'Don't permit me to love you'. A more accurate translation of 'biar' would be 'let', but I thought it sounded a bit dry, so I replaced it with 'permit', which means practically the same thing, but carries a different feel, a different atmosphere, if you will. Like she needs his consent or permission to love him. You know, because 'this heart can't be hurt again'.


Anyway, I shall close this session here, before I come up with another example to bore you with, my dear reader, as I am sure you have better things to do than to sit in front of the computer all day, hanging on to my every word, merely existing until my next post makes its [tardy] appearance. Until then, dear reader, arrivederci!









Yours,





Figgy the Self Proclaimed Translator of the World
[FiSPToW, for short]

Dream-Land

Dear Reader,




I'm feeling dreamy today...dreamy enough to take down Edgar Allan Poe from his long-standing position on my bookshelf, blow off the layer of dust that has accumulated on the cover, and while away the evening in Dream-Land.


If you are lucky enough, my dearest reader, to have been blessed with an actual social life, then you probably have no idea what all my allusions to dreams and Dream-Land are pertaining to. While the name Edgar Allan Poe almost immediately calls to mind some of his most famous works, like the poem 'The Raven', or the short story 'The Pit and the Pendulum', I shall not be talking about them today. I shall, in fact, be talking [typing?] about a certain poem, entitled 'Dream-Land', which I stumbled across while reading my extremely sizeable edition of 'The Essential Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe'.


Of course, being Edgar Allan Poe, the poem is a bit...spooky. But cool. Anyway, for lack of better blog-fodder, I have decided to quote the poem, and tell you what I think it means--that is, if you have managed to stay awake for the duration of the poem recital, my socially-dynamic reader. Here we go--








Edgar Allan Poe
'Dream-Land'

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only,
Where an Eidolon*, named NIGHT,
On a black throne reigns upright,
I have reached these lands but newly
From an ultimate dim Thule*--
From a wild, weird clime that lieth, sublime,
Out of SPACE--out of TIME.

Bottomless vales and boundless floods,
And chasms, and caves, and Titan* woods,
With forms that no man can discover
For the dews that drip all over;
Mountains toppling evermore
Into seas without a shore;
Seas that restlessly aspire,
Surging unto skies of fire;
Lakes that endlessly outspread
Their lone waters--lone and dead,--
Their still waters--still and chilly
With the snows of the lolling lily.

By the lakes that thus outspread
Their lone waters, lone and dead,--

Their sad waters, sad and chilly
With the snows of the lolling lily,--

By the mountains--near the river
Murmuring lowly, murmuring ever,--
By the grey woods,--by the swamp
Where the toad and newt encamp,--
By the dismal tarns and pools
Where dwell the Ghouls,--
By each spot the most unholy--
In each nook most melancholy,--
There the traveller meets aghast
Sheeted Memories of the Past--
Shrouded forms that start and sigh
As they pass the wanderers by--
White-robed forms of friends long given,
In agony, to the Earth--and Heaven.

For the heart whose woes are legion
'Tis a peaceful, soothing region--
For the spirit that walks in shadow
'Tis,--oh 'tis an Eldorado*!
But the traveller, traveling through it,
May not--dare not openly view it;
Never its mysteries are exposed
To the weak human eye unclosed;
So wills its King, who hath forbid
The uplifting of the fringed lid;
And thus the sad Soul that here passes
Beholds it but through darkened glasses.

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only,
Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
On a black throne reigns upright,
I have wandered home but newly
From this Ultimate dim Thule.






Eidolon* -- Phantom.
Thule* -- The most northerly region of the habitable world to ancient Greek geographers. In this context, I think it simply means a place that's very, very far away.
Titan* -- A primitive god of Greek mythology, possessing great strength and size. So, 'Titan woods' presumably means a vast tract of huge trees.
Eldorado* -- A mythical city, built entirely out of gold. That is, in the context of this poem, a place of great riches and opportunities; an emotional or spiritual goal.







Well, there you have it. I sincerely hope I haven't bored you into a state of comatose, dear reader, because I'm not done yet.


I think the poem is about, well, a dream land; a place you only visit in your dreams, which is ruled by a phantom, called NIGHT. The way this dreamer talks, it's as if he just went from one dream world to another. Those lines 'from a wild, weird clime that lieth, sublime, / Out of SPACE--out of TIME' seem to imply that the world he came from was just as dreamy and bizarre as the Dream-Land itself. Could this realm of timelessness and spacelessness be the realm of sleep? I could be wrong, but that's what I came up with after reading and re-reading the poem.


In the second stanza, the dreamer goes on to describe the landscape of this dream world. Pretty surreal, if you ask me. I mean, bottomless valleys, boundless floods, chasms, caves, and Titan woods. All of which are covered by a layer of wet, dripping dew; so thick that no one can see what they really look like. Not to mention the everlasting crumbling of mountains into the 'shoreless seas', that surge and 'aspire' up into the fire-filled skies. Then there are the lonely, dead, still, and endlessly outspreading lakes; that seem to be cold ('chilly') with the profusion of snowy, lolling lilies growing there. There is one thing I don't understand about this stanza, though. How can there be lakes and mountains if there is no shore? But maybe the dreamer was exaggerating about how vast the sea was in this dream world. It is a poem, after all; not everything is supposed to be taken literally.


And then, the really spooky part. According to the dreamer, in the most 'unholy' and 'melancholy' places of this Dream-Land, where all the Ghouls live, anybody passing through will meet 'Sheeted Memories of the Past': ghosts, obviously. The apparitions of the dreamer's friends that have, in fact, been dead and buried for a long time.


But I guess the dreamer got over his fear of meeting these ghosts from his past, because the next stanza tells us that an encounter between these long-separated friends isn't necessarily an unpleasant one. It says that 'for the heart whose woes are legion'--basically, anyone with a lot to be miserable about--Dream-Land is a serene and relaxing place. As for the 'spirit who walks in shadow'--sounds like a classic case of depression to me--it's an Eldorado, the Promised Land, everything they've ever wanted.


In this land, NIGHT--the King--forbids anybody passing through his kingdom to open their eyes. That whole line about 'the uplifting of the fringed lid' just means the opening of your eyes--the lid being the eyelid, the fringe being the eyelashes, of course. So, you can only see the Dream-Land with closed eyes, and never when you're awake. I think the 'darkened glasses', which is the only thing we're allowed to behold the Dream-Land through, is sleep.


Finally, the last stanza. The dreamer has just returned home, but this time he calls the Dream-Land the 'Ultimate dim Thule', with a capital 'U'; meaning that the dream world is a more ultimate Thule than the real world. Or something like that.


Well, that's it, dear reader. I have run out of steam and ideas. I hope you've enjoyed reading this post as much as I have enjoyed composing it. Til next time, sayonara!







Yours,




Figgy the Dreamer

Back...from the dead!

Dear Reader,



I live! Well, just barely, anyway. I'm still in the process of convalescing from the dismal state of boredom that has been my lot for the past week. Still recuperating from my aimless and frustrated drifting; wandering from one dreary room to yet another equally dreary room, in search of something to see, something to do, someone to talk to.


"What could have caused such extreme ennui and vacillation?" you ask.


My answer, dear reader, is simple. The internet couldn't work.


I would appreciate it, my dearest reader, if you would kindly suppress your gasps of shock long enough for me to complete this post. I know the concept of being cut off from any and all communication via the World Wide Web sounds appalling, dreadful, and even downright outrageous to you, but I have a lot to get off my chest, as you can easily imagine, what with my week-long hermitage and all.


For starters, I want to tell you about my Future. Yes, my Future. My Future as a Student. My Future as a Student, in which I shall be Studying. Alright, alright...you get the picture. Anyway, I have finally settled on a course of action, a guideline, a plan for my academic Future. The plan is as follows:


In May, I shall apply for a JPA Scholarship which shall (hopefully) enable me to pursue a Foundation in Design. Yes, Design. The 'units of study' consist of such auspicious-sounding subjects like 'Design Studies', 'Graphic Design', 'Drawing and Illustration', and 'Context and Culture'. Stuff like that.


And then, if I had my way, just after finishing my Foundation, I would pursue a Bachelor in Languages and Linguistics at another university. Of course, there then arises the question of whether a different uni would accept a credit transfer from my Foundation in Design. If they do not, I have a back-up plan. Upon the possibility of failing to enter the aforementioned uni, I shall continue in the field of design and get a degree, then go back and get a masters in linguistics.


The only problem with this, of course, is the time it would take to complete everything. I’m not worried about money; I let my parents worry about that. It’s always worked before. But, then again, that’s why I’m waiting for May to come rolling around and the JPA application-thingy to open up.


Enough about furthering my studies. It’s high time we got to discussing something else, something actually enjoyable. Like how I spent my abundant free time during the Internet Access Drought of last week. Well, believe it or not, I actually tried my hand at a bit of gardening. Yes, gardening. Why do you persist in making me repeat myself, my oh-so-sceptical reader? It’s not that much of a stretch for the imagination, is it—to picture me squatting over a somewhat neglected-looking garden, yanking with all my might at a particularly stubborn weed? Okay, maybe it is. But I assure you, it did in fact happen. I have witnesses. Just ask my 6.5 dogs.


Anyway, I don’t profess to be some sort of green-thumbed plant-miracle-worker or anything. In fact, I had a hard time discerning which plants were the weeds and which ones were actually supposed to be there. I fear I may have done more harm than good to that garden. And the dogs weren’t much help either. They kept digging in all the wrong places, pulling up all the wrong things, sniffing at everything I touched, and bumping and jostling against me in their excitement and curiosity to see what on earth I was doing there.


I also reread one of my favourite books, 'The Return of the Fairy' by Gail Carson Levine. Well, technically speaking, it was a compilation of six of her books, all of which have only one thing in common: they all take place in a village called Snettering-on-Snoakes, in the Kingdom of Biddle. But that's about it. Gail Carson Levine wrote 'Ella Enchanted', so you know what to expect from a compilation of fairytales written by the likes of her: that is, a hilarious and unexpected take on classic and not-so-classic fairytales.


Well, I suppose I've dragged this post on long enough. I shall try to contain my overflowing joy and jubilation at the return of my connectivity, and say adieu, dear reader. Until we meet [?] again.





Yours,


Figgy the Jubilant