Adolescent angst

Dear reader,


I wish I could sing. Or play an instrument. Or something. I don't know. Have you ever felt like you weren't accomplishing anything in your life, dear reader? When I was younger I thought I was going to take the world by storm, become the next Christopher Paolini. Make my mark on the world, a blazing fire of glory and wit. Like some Shakespeare-quoting shooting star. Instead I'm a burnt out little candle. I just feel so old and cynical. Jaded. How is that even possible? I mean, I'm 19 not 91. Why do I feel like such a has-been when I never even was? Ah, maybe that's it. I can sense my time running out, the years slipping past me and I can't do anything to stop it.

I thought only teenagers go through angst over absolutely nothing. Well, I'm technically still an adolescent, right? Adolescence, defined as 'the period between the beginning of puberty to adulthood'. There you go. While we're on the subject of adolescent angst, I hate the way teenagers are portrayed on TV. Not every person between the ages of 13 and 20 are that...stupid. We don't throw random temper tantrums or nearly die when our parents walk with us at the mall. I enjoy shopping with my mother! And I have never, ever shouted that my parents were ruining my life. Stereotypes, bah!

Maybe this sudden depression's got something to do with me not being busy anymore. After two months of frantic activity, to have it suddenly come to an end is...disorientating. One minute you're spinning out of control--cursing the stupid deadline, drinking gallons and gallons of coffee, wondering if this thing will actually kill you, then not minding the thought of being dead because at least then you could get a decent night's sleep--and then the next minute, your life is at a complete standstill. It's like you were in a speeding car which collided head-first with a wall of molasses. Our project is officially over. All we have left is the presentation; the pitch, if you will. We're trying to get people to give us money so we can do another book, but better this time. I guess I need another project, another goal. Another thing to live for and pour little pieces of my soul into.

Anyway. I just watched a slew of YouTube videos today. Where did all these ridiculously self-assured and confident teenagers come from? Prattling away on their webcams and camcorders, sounding so witty and funny and articulate. Was I this nonchalant and cool when I was their age? No. No, definitely not. My feelings, my thoughts, my personality...even now they haven't formed themselves into anything concrete or permanent. I'm convinced of something one day, and then the next day my mom says something that makes me pause and change my mind. Or I suddenly see the flaw in my own argument, so I discard the whole idea as a mistake. I mean, forget about being articulate and expressive, I'm not even sure of what I want to express yet.

So yeah. I'm starting classes again later this March. That's something to get excited about anyway. I can't wait for Drawing and Illustration! It's going to be so awesome. We're probably going to learn about stuff like perspective and anatomy. You know. All that cool artsy stuff.

Oh, wait. Another possible explanation for my depression: I can't connect to the Internet at home. I'm typing up this post in my college library. Yes, I'm at the library even though I have no classes. What, is that just too nerdy of me, dear reader? I love the library. Just sitting in the library makes me feel smarter. More scholarly and knowledgeable. Anyway, my home wireless thingy is shot.  I have no idea what happened to it. I think I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. I'm completely useless at home. Every time I turn my laptop on, all I can do is stare blankly at the screen. I can't even do normal things that don't require Internet access because it just doesn't feel the same. Like when I'm writing or drawing. It just feels wrong, like I'm boxed in. Google is my homepage. No fooling. I like to know that, if I ever get the urge to, I can just pop on over to Google and search my little heart out. Not having Internet access makes me feel handicapped or disadvantaged somehow.

Oh. Abrupt subject change time. You know what would be cool? A drawing of a boy or a girl, whatever; and they're texting someone with headphones on while playing a video game and surfing the net at the same time. I'd call it 'Generation of Electricity'. Well? Whaddya think? Get it? It's a play on words...you know. Generation, generation. Of electri...yeah. It is a bit lame. I have so many ideas for possible drawing projects, but sadly I lack the motivation, discipline and skill to carry them out.

Okay, I guess I'd better go now. Seeing as I've run out of things to say and all. So...bye.



Yours,



Figgy the Angsty and Borderline Depressed Adolescent